We went to a festival.
This is quite special for us because we didn’t feel like we belong here. And that has indeed turned out to be the case. Still, I would like to share what we experienced. As usual, we want to learn from the Festival mentioned above. Overall I am quite shocked, I went once 30 years ago and it was exactly like that. It doesn’t seem that humans have moved beyond the assumptions and habits we learned long ago about loving each other. Then I wonder, what is meant by spiritual experience and what else do I really have to offer to people and humanity. Have I really started to develop further or am I also living in the illusion of the Spiritual experience?
It is always easier to look at others than to see yourself. I see that constantly in the groups I work/live with. So that’s the same for me. I came back with more understanding, especially to my husband Henny. He doesn’t understand at all what I do, where I want to go or what my motivations are. He’s seen me in the 35 years we’ve been together; search, find and be on the go. It is not surprising to him that the festival again brought ‘nothing’. He lets me do my thing, but thinks it only costs money and what do I achieve with it? That is broadly speaking his purport (the meaning how he sense in it), and perception of my quest. It is difficult for him to distinguish that I now feel a happy and liberated person from many experiences in my life. He is not a seeker, all he knows is that he wants to grow old with me. Quite surprising to me, because he is constantly confronted with my lifestyle. Always people all over the floor who want to live and work with me.
To keep our campsite running and to preserve the beauty that our campsite has to offer, it is fantastic that we do this with so many people. I personally wouldn’t really know how people do that if they’re just the two of them. We always look in amazement at ‘I’m leaving’. How do they do that? Nice, but that’s not for us, we also had not really saved it together. Anyway, what does this have to do with the experience of this Spiritual Festival? What I already wrote about the people who are looking for healing is not much different from a long time ago. The people who started looking then have stuck in a way of loving based on how they thought then to be loved and to love. I think this is also how most people have come to experience the seekers. Like some strange people who do not feel at home in the society of the past and have thus become a kind of society of their own. In other words; their consciousness has secretly moved them into another form of loving that “still” doesn’t look free. Although they do experience more freedom, or so they say. I see them trapped in a way they think is “love.” Originating from a feeling of lack of love and recognition.
And I also see this form of love in my own relationship. No matter what I try to grow together in Love, Truth and Order with Henny, I can’t. The same things we encountered 30 years ago are still there, less intense and emotional, but it’s still there. I can still blame him for that. Yet I stay with him with the same question over and over, why am I doing that? It doesn’t resonate with my deepest desire, or maybe it does but I don’t see it, or I can’t experience it. I often think it’s a bit dull to repeat this over and over again. And then again, what is Love?
Last week I received a question from a so-called spiritual camping guest: what makes my story different from what the others tell? She was referring to the fact that I had told her that her way of telling sounded like a learned story. The above described way of how spiritual people have taught themselves and others to love. To me it looks like something learned, I don’t see it coming to truth and freedom from within. I did think about the question and became aware of the answer. Some people tell a story that contains an experience of responsibility for the whole of life. With others you hear in spite of one beautiful story, looking for a guilty person or blame the environment and ultimately the blame lies with life itself. I have learned to distinguish this through years of intensive interaction with a group of people around me. People I live with and work with. People with the same goal and the same willingness to go deeper and deeper, questioning and ‘unmasking’ their outer characteristics. This is accompanied by anger, fear, enormous irritations, but again and again we look for a way to continue. This gives us order in our lives and a sense of value and truth that is irrefutable. It is here that I find my worth as a human being. The value that can be released from the inside and thus forms the outside (my body). This is how I form a NEW Body from the inside out, instead of the outside in. In my opinion, this is also the promise of Aquarius: Life from within. So that you animate outwardly the order within, which is equivalent to the order of the origin of Life (or the cosmic order) itself. The Form, my form immortalized. This is: the Quest for the Holy Grail. Nice huh?
To come back to those very deep recurring habits and formed pain, here is a conclusion regarding my relationship. In the early years of my relationship I was very searching and confused, I couldn’t really find it anywhere. Because of this I also stayed with Henny, because that was certainly my recurring rock in the surf at this time. During my studies in spiritual medicine, 2 couples out of 30 stayed together. Even though it was often super difficult, something was always wrong for me in these lessons and I stayed with Henny. Now I am terribly grateful for my own fortitude and his for continuing. I now realize that changing partners does not give you what you desire to live simply because you keep taking your own form with you. Even though I still run into the same things that I find very difficult. Yet I learn more and more to go inward, where step by step the light IN me helps to unite with Henny and the people around me.
In short, the Festival: Spiritual experience made me relive my ‘spiritual’ path 🙏.
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